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cstressed
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Joined: 18 Nov 2008
Posts: 4
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# Posted: 18 Nov 2008 15:24
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I am 25 years old and have worked in my current management role for 1 year. It is hectic with a large workload a role that is not what was 'sold' to me when i applied.
It took me a while to consider the possibility that i had stress which was affecting my health, though the crying on the journey home from work every other day as well as crying in work on occassion should have given me an indication. It wasn't until i started looking it up on the internet that i realised that i had a whole host of emotional and one or two physical symptoms.
There was an incident at work that tipped me over the edge, in brief after a particulary demanding week my boss (my line managers boss) picked up on a tiny thing i hadn't done (but which i did the first time he reminded me) and repremanded my by e-mail to my line manager and cc'd me in on it. I snapped, feeling i could no longer cope with the demands of the job and spent the rest of the day in tears. I sent an e-mail to my line manager who was off that day listing all the work that i had done that week, saying that i thought it was unfair of him and finished by saying that the stress was difficult to deal with. She replied to say i was over reacting, that everyone one in the office worked hard and that i'm sure you'll have put things back in perspective by now. Being a non-confrontational person when i saw her the next day i said everything was fine.
I cannot take any time off sick as i have a substantial mortgage that my sick pay would not cover. I'm looking for another job but its really difficult to find anything as close at this if not closer (I currently commute 1.5 hrs a day) and i feel that a longer commute to the nearest city wouldn't help matters and moving is not an option as even if i could sell my house it is in negative equity. And theres the high expectations of my parents, they always encouraged me to do my best and get a good job but recently i find myself blaming this for the situation i am in now. I recently considered applying for an admin type job 2 mins from my house with better money and less responsibility but i talked it over with my parents who thought it was beneath me and had no prospects, so i didn't apply I just cried some more.
I don't think this problem had a solution except to carry on looking for another job (p.s. i'm so scared that i will get another job and hate it too!) but any comments are welcome. Its helped a bit to get it off my chest.
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Vishal
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Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 148
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# Posted: 19 Nov 2008 00:08 · Edited by: Vishal
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Hi Ciara,
First of all thank for dropping by here and writing your problems out. I don't want to tell that I sympathize with you because doing so will make you even more weak and vulnerable. Just relax and realize that nothing is permanent. This phase you are going through shall also pass.
I saw that you are from Ireland. There is a foundation called Art of Living that has helped millions to reclaim their life and be happy. Basically what they teach is a unique routine of breathing exercises that will help you connect to your inner being and banish stress. If it's possible, I sincerely earnestly suggest you to take up their 3 day basic course. It change your life. Here's their Ireland website:
http://www.artofliving.ie/
Have you tried meditation or any breathing exercises?
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Newbie Shield
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Joined: 11 Oct 2008
Posts: 61
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# Posted: 19 Nov 2008 03:27
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Hi Cstressed,
It's a little scary being assertive with coworkers - especially bosses. You feel like you might risk losing your job. Even so, it's good to strike a balance between working hard and taking on a reasonable amount of duties.
Sometimes you have to be assertive about work load even after a boss says that everyone else is being overworked (that doesn't justify your over sized workload). If someone else is accepting too much work, that is their own problem and it's not an indicator of how much work you should accept.
It seems to me that you need to have a talk with your boss. If you can come up with three or so different lists that you consider to be a fair work load, you can quantify "fair" or "acceptable, but no more".
If you present three, then your boss will see that you have defined a reasonable load and that you are not specifically dodging any particular task (though be sure to do so without drawing attention to it/them!). Be firm yet polite about reducing your work load. Be willing to swap (notice I didn't say "add") out new tasks in the future.
Part of managing stress is managing external events. You have some control of external events if you simply take the initiative. On the other hand, some external events are out of our control and we need to adapt or remove ourselves from some situations.
The other thing I noticed in your post is that you went to your parents for council. I'm not sure if you did that because you allow them to influence your decision or if it is almost entirely because you want to tap their wisdom. Personally, I strongly prefer to make my own choices and I rarely ask anyone's council. I like to control my own destiny and I generally recommend that to all.
You drive way too far to and from work. I think that you should strongly consider the job that pays better and is closer to your house especially since there are less responsibilities.
I've done the long commute to work thing and that alone will run you into the ground. I wouldn't continue that if given the choice.
As Vishal pointed out, regardless of what goes on with the outside, relax. Try not to get worked up about your situation or any future situation. You have more control about how you react and manage things inside your mind.
It would be good to take the time to be mindful of when you find yourself getting upset and taking steps to calm down. It's also critical to get consistent aerobics in each week, to meditate, and if you can afford it - to get a weekly massage. Those things will be of tremendous help - especially after a month or so of practice.
As Vishal also mentioned, these things pass. They are not permanent, especially if you take a proactive roll in effectively addressing them.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you around here at the forum 
~Newbie Shield~
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cstressed
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Joined: 18 Nov 2008
Posts: 4
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# Posted: 19 Nov 2008 04:24
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Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply. You're right, since there is nothing i can do to immediatly change the situation i should focus on managing the stress.
Thanks,
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Vishal
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Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 148
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# Posted: 19 Nov 2008 06:59
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Very good advice Newbie!
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mithun99
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Joined: 17 Oct 2008
Posts: 32
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# Posted: 19 Nov 2008 07:29
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Meditate regularly. It can get you immense positive results. Trust me. God Bless
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Edamic
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Joined: 19 Nov 2008
Posts: 2
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# Posted: 19 Nov 2008 11:20
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Your job sounds like it has many elements of stress to it. Some related and inherent to the job, some belonging to you and thirdly dealing with others expectations of you. You will need to develop a set of strategies to deal with them, both on the short and long term.
You are young and this is probably your first managerial job with all the "baptism of fire elements' to it, making it difficult for you to negotiate your way around the job demands. This will require some assertion on your part to impart your value and to mediate the comments directed towards you, especially if your immediate supervisor is not going to afford some protection for you. Nevertheless, most managers 'cop it' from their superiors if anything falls through the cracks - it just comes with the territory and requires you to look at the 'reasonableness' of the comments directed at you and deal with it as it deserves in a logical and factual way.
You will need to ensure that you are not being over sensitive because it also undermines the confidence you are trying to build. Also, the stamina required for a serious management job does not come easily and has to be built up. Some bosses however are just 'toxic' and will not give you what you want in terms of recognition and support. They expect you to survive the 'deep-end' because that is the way you are 'blooded'. try and build into your work day a few moments of quiet and self reflection as this can give you inner strength to ride moments like these.
Secondly, you sound very anxious as a person and this may be contributing to you feeling overwhelmed and overcome by the demands and expectations (which many others seem to have of you). Address some of this anxiety and your feelings of 'self confidence', then you will be able to ride the demands easier. Try to give yourself a few 'treats' in the day, standing in the sun, special coffee, etc. You need to find some fun in job as it helps to ease the feelings of being harassed and you can shrug off the negative effects of moments like these easier.
The advice you have got about the travel demands are very real and will need to be addressed as part of your longer term plan, as that amount of travel will frazzle you and impact your sleep levels.
In the end however if the built-in stress to you job is too much then you must move on as the psychological and health consequences just don't go away with time. Press on and give yourself time to 'harden' yourself a bit otherwise you will just take some of these issues with you to your next job.
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cstressed
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Joined: 18 Nov 2008
Posts: 4
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# Posted: 20 Nov 2008 04:13
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Thank you Edamic for your comments. Yes it is my first management job. Do you think self confidence will come with time and experience? I feel like i'm admitting defeat but i'm not cut out for a mangerial role
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cstressed
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Joined: 18 Nov 2008
Posts: 4
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# Posted: 20 Nov 2008 04:15
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Vishal & mithun99 - Thank you, i'm going to go to the library and take our some books about Meditation and stress control over the weekend.
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Edamic
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Joined: 19 Nov 2008
Posts: 2
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# Posted: 20 Nov 2008 05:09
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Hi cstressed. Self confidence can be built over time. You need to choose things that you can be successful at and not try things that set yourself up for failure. So develop a vision or goal for yourself and align it with what you enjoy and is an adequate expression of yourself. Often you have to make compromises as you enact your life, but it is better to start off with your plans and ambitions by being true to yourself.
Secondly, look at the expectations others have of you. Listen to these expectations, but don't live them. You choose to live the expectations of others, you generally will fail them, disappoint them and then feel bad about yourself. Self confidence comes with developing a success pattern for yourself. If your heart is not in what your are doing then its is hard to feel great about yourself and what you are doing.
Thirdly, identifying for yourself that management is not for you is a great thing and does not reflect defeat in any way. It sounds like you are learning something about yourself. You tried it. Did n't find it great and want to move on. I have found the worst thing you can do for yourself is to look for the right things in the wrong place. It can only lead to disappointment and unhappiness.
So if you think this management thing is not for you, do you have an idea of what you are suited for and where to look for it? Given the number of retrenchments that the economic down turn is throwing your plans may have to be pragmatic in the short term, but you can certain begin plans for the longer term and try your ideas out as a parallel and be ready for a change of direction in a 'friendlier' economic climate.
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Newbie Shield
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# Posted: 20 Nov 2008 06:09
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Cstressed,
I concur with Edamic on every point. Well said Edamic.
I'll say again, it sounds like you'd much prefer the job close to your house. I hope that you'll apply there immediately.
Earlier I asked why you listened to your parents job advice. Your life and your decisions belong to you. You're an adult and you know what you need. You don't have to carry out the wishes or advice of your parents any more. If they don't like that then leave them a lone for a few years or for the rest of your life.
One way or another, they have to learn to respect you as an adult.
Vishal can tell you about meditation. He knows all about it.
~Newbie Shield~
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Vishal
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Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 148
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# Posted: 20 Nov 2008 07:16 · Edited by: Vishal
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Very good advice Edward! Glad to have you here
I agree with both Edward and NS on not leading your life based on other's expectations. Doing so will only create misery for you. You have grown up and it's time you chose what's right for you. Because it's ultimately your happiness and peace of mind that matters. If you are not happy, how can you expect your parents to be happy. Try to explain this to them.
I know that if you have been living up to your parent's expectations until now, it's not easy to ignore them now. But it's time you realized that this is not the right way to lead your life. Listen to them but do what you think is right for you.
I think most of the stress created in today's world is trying to live up to other's expectations. And this starts in your own home. Every parent must realize that their child is unique and one must not compare them with others and have high expectations of them.
Focusing only on material/egoistic gains will only lead to frustration and stress. Instead they should focus on nurturing the gift that each one of us is endowed with. A quality that is unique only to us. The reason why you are here on this earth.
However, let's not blame our parents if they have not done their job. They were ignorant. But since you realize this, you can start your journey of self-discovery and discover your true passion. And by all means pursue it.
Even though that may not give you material wealth, it'll definitely give you lasting bliss. You decide what you want.
Quoting: cstressed Vishal & mithun99 - Thank you, i'm going to go to the library and take our some books about Meditation and stress control over the weekend.
Get The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle if possible. It's one of the best books around. You can also get an audio version at audible.com which you can play on an mp3 player and listen to (just check if your mp3 player is compatible).
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Elisabeth
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Joined: 4 Dec 2008
Posts: 3
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# Posted: 7 Dec 2008 23:22
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cstressed,
You've gotten some excellent advice here, and I hope you'll be able to get that job near your home.
I'm glad I discovered this forum. There's much to learn.
Stress and how to tame it is something I'm passionate about. I've had way too much stress for a very long time until I got badly burned out, and so I've accumulated a big stash of resources to help me cope and relief that stress.
Meditation is one of them. Cutting commuting time another (and making it enjoyable by listening to books on tape and such).
One of my favorite resources is Roger Mellott's audio program "Stress Skills for Turbulent Times." You can still find it on Amazon.com used. I totally love that program. It's fun, inspiring, and it REALLY helps put things in perspective.
One more thing: have you heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? It's an energy technique that is extremely effective for reducing stress. I would not have survived without it. You can learn more about it at http://www.emofree.com
Best of luck to you.
Elisabeth
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drgc_mehta
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Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Posts: 14
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# Posted: 25 Feb 2009 02:25
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cstressed,
I agree with NS, Vishal & Edamic and would like to add some more.
If you do not have any other option at the moment & continue the same job-
Firstly,you should raise your threshold level & build yourself more stronger so that you do not get affected soon.
secondly, everytime the results or outcome can not be the same as we expect and you should be ready to accept feed-backs and criticizm as well.
thirdly, try to recollect and assess your work done till now and your role in it. I strongly feel that running away from any problem is not going to solve the problem, instead stand before it firmly, fight and face with open mind. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. You keep on doing your job with commitment and Honesty, your work has to be recognized sooner or later.
Thinking Positive along with POSSIBILITIES in mind can be another support.
setting up of Priorities/goals, time management & planning, regularising your routine along with delegation of work to your sub-ordinates can further be helpful.
If planning to quit the job and finding new one- do it right now. I know it is not dat easy but what else is easy? do not waste time. ACT NOW.
all the best wishes for life.
Dr. G. C. Mehta
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